When you've given the best & the worst of yourself to someone, what's left?
There are days where I want it all back. Every smile, every tear, every feeling, every I love you. I feel like a washcloth rung dry. I don't know if there's anything left over for me...for anyone else. There are most def some days where I want to rewind to right when I was smiling on the phone with Keely. I was lying on my white wicker bed, holding onto my new secret. I was holding it back with my smile. I didn't hold onto it. Couldn't keep a secret back then, can't keep it now, to tell the truth and shame the devil. You know how it was, waaay back when.And then...
Most days when I think about it...when I rewind it in my mind...and I start at the beginning. And I smile. I mean, smiiiile. Soul-smile, for real. I would not trade it. I would not sell it. I would not give it away, for anything...not even my own sanity back. It was beautiful. It was sitting on the porch with the sun on my face, looking at a Spring morning when the dew's still on the grass. It was my feet on the dash and my hand out the window and him driving wherever we were going, which, by the way, youngins, was usually nowhere. Back in the good old days of gas being a buck twenty. It was the magic of dry corn husks being twirled and spiraled in the air...and me saying I had seen it before. By the way, that was a lie. I'd never seen anything like it up till then...haven't seen it since. It was a clearing in some farmers field outside Champaign. Standing outside the Cutlass, his arms were around me, trying to block out the cold. We were looking at the stars through our breaths that steamed as they hit the air. It was real. It was true.
But all that's over now. I mean I am talking in past tense here, am I not?
Its like Roland and Jake in The Wastelands. I'm a torn woman. I'm always a woman when I think about all this. I don't feel grown yet...and if I don't feel it now, I doubt I ever will. I'm married, but I'm not. I love 'im, but I don't. I'm in this loop of Limbo, where I can't go forward, but I can't go back. Or not right now. Maybe not ever. I think its driving me insane.
I feel unwhole around people. I feel like a vampire. Being able to take, but not give. Oh, even my analogies are going to hell. Don't know if there's anything else to give.
I don't know why I'm writing this here. Maybe its a warning. Maybe its not.
separation not as simple as the distance between us
